The Link Between Childbirth Trauma and Self Blame
It’s 2 am in-between feedings and a new mother sits quietly, replaying her child’s birth story in her mind. Her inner thoughts whisper, “I should have known better. I should have done something. It’s all my fault.”
This cycle of self-blame is heartbreakingly common. And yet, with the right support healing is possible. Instead of carrying invisible shame, mothers could reprocess their birth story from a place of compassion for themselves, with a deeper understanding of their body’s nervous system, and tools to heal.
The Two Facets of Blame
When women reflect on difficult birth experiences, what I commonly hear is blame in two forms:
1. Shame-Based Blame
This is when the blame turns inward: “I failed. I should have been stronger. Something is wrong with me.” The weight of shame lives inside the self and it says I am flawed.
2. Guilt-Based Blame
This is directed toward perceived actions or decisions: “I should have spoken up. I shouldn’t have trusted them. I should have done more.” Guilt focuses on what you did or didn’t do, not who you are.
The difference matters. Shame-based blame is especially harmful because it’s often linked with more intense PTSD symptoms postpartum. It creates a shadow over motherhood and chips away at a mother’s sense of self-worth, creating a cycle of self-criticism.
Why Didn’t I Fight Back?
One of the most painful questions mothers ask themselves is: “Why didn’t I say no? Why didn’t I fight harder?”
Here’s the truth: Your nervous system was focused on one thing, surviving.
In the face of threat, especially during childbirth, you often can’t get up and leave or fight back. You’re in a vulnerable position. The nervous system then shifts into other survival modes such as freezing or fawning.
· Freezing may look like going silent, shutting down, or dissociating.
Fawning may look like saying “yes” when you desperately wanted to say “no,” or agreeing to something you didn’t fully understand.
In those moments, your prefrontal cortex the part of your brain that thinks critically, advocates, makes decisions it goes offline. Survival takes over.
Your body did what it needed to do to get you through. That is not weakness.
The Path to Post-Traumatic Growth
What could life look like beyond shame and blame? Healing begins when you recognize your nervous system’s role and when you receive trauma-based interventions to untangle the stuck points in your story.
In therapy, there are evidence-based approaches to help:
EMDR Therapy: Allows you to reprocess difficult birth memories so they no longer feel stuck on repeat.
Compassion-Focused Therapy: Gently shifts self-criticism and shame into self-compassion, helping you see your worth.
NARM (NeuroAffective Relational Model): Addresses deeper, historic patterns of chronic shame, especially for mothers who have long struggled with self-criticism or perfectionism.
Somatic and Mindfulness Practices: Anchor you in the present, giving you tools to respond to triggers with grounding and self-care.
A Final Word
If you’re birth story left you feeling overwhelmed or mentally burdened then there is therapy support available. As a birth trauma therapist, I help mothers heal from childbirth-related PTSD so you can finally feel connected to themselves again. Your story matters and you deserve a place to truly heal from this. You don’t have to carry this weight alone.
I’d love to walk alongside you. Learn more about my therapy services here: https://worthytolivetherapy.com/birth-trauma.
Stay connected for more resources on birth trauma, postpartum mental health, and motherhood:
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Warmly,
Brittany Moffitt, LCSW-C
